Why am I here?

Week one of group therapy and I already have homework.  WTF?  She knows I'm in school... Anyway, my first assignment is as follows...

 

"This group is designed to support you through a process of change.  Positive change is possible, but making change happen is your responsibility and takes your motivation, commitment and hard work.

 

"Your open and honest responses here and your willingness to do the work of change will provide a pathway to you to carry out lasting positive change that improves the quality of your life.

 

"We need to help you explore your purpose and expectations about being here.  Why are you here?  How do you feel about being here?  What do you need to work on to improve your life experience?  How can you make the most of this experience?"

 

The rest of the page gives me 8 measley little lines to write out my answers to those questions.  Are they serious?  I can write 8 pages on any ONE of those questions.  I told them that I was going to type this up.  Free writing is probably the best way to go about this, so here I go...

 

Question 1: Why are you here?  (The "you" being me, and the "here" being the group therapy)
Well, the most obvious answer that comes to my mind for this question is "Because you are making me do this" (the "you" being my therapist).  However, that isn't really true.  She isn't "making" me do anything.  I'm perfectly free to abstain from these bi-monthly sessions.  She, in turn, would be perfectly free to terminate the services I'm receiving there.  So, that would normally lead me to a revised answer "You are coercing me into these sessions so I can continue to receive the medications that are keeping me relatively sane"... but... that's not really true, either.  She is trying to, and I believe genuinely wants to, help me.  SHE isn't coercing me, the "powers that be" are by changing the qualifying guidelines that SHE must adhere to.  Still, I do feel somewhat coerced, but that still doesn't answer the question.... Effin A... What am I trying to get at here?  I could give a cliched answer "So I can get better through the support of others and a higher power"... Yeah, I can't even think that sentance with a straight face it's so played out and tired... (Hi, my name is Crystal, and I'm an alcoholic).  So, why am I going to group therapy?  Honestly?  Cause I do have other resources by which I can obtain my meds legally, albeit more expensively.  Well, firstly, I like Rebecca.  Even though I've had my misgivings, I trust her.  I trust her judgement.  I trust her to not sugar coat things.  I trust her to tell me the things that I don't want to hear, but need to anyway.  I trust her to offer me a tissue when I (inevitably) start crying out of nowhere (which is something I only do when I blog, or when I'm in her office).  So, when she tells me that this will help me in the long run, I'm willing to put up with a few awkward and uncomfortable experiences/feelings/interactions to give it a shot.  That is why I'm here.

Question 2: How do you feel about being here? (again, the "you" being me and the "here" being the therapy)
Well, that's a loaded question, and I kind of answered it in the previous question.  I feel somewhat coerced by an unnamed institution headed by a faceless panel of people.  Consequently, I'm a little resentful, though not towards anyone who is participating in the group.  So far, I seem to have things in common with the rest of the participants, and that's good.  So, that makes me feel a little less singled-out and a little more at ease.  Having an anxiety disorder, I tend to be ill-at-ease a large percentage of the time, especially when I feel forced into a situation.  On a related note, I am pretty nervous. I don't know if I'm ready to change, because I feel like if I change, I won't be myself anymore. I don't want to be molded into an entirely different person.

Question 3: What do you need to work on to improve your life experience?
Well, if there was ever a time for using a bulleted list, this is it...

• Letting go.  I've heard it said over and over, "Let go, and let God."  Yeah, can someone please explain to me exactly HOW to do that?  I understand the concept behind it, but I just can't seem to put it into practice. (**Sidenote: Those who can't DO, teach. I don't want to be a teacher. I want to be a doer.)
• Related to the first is control. When I'm uncomfortable in a situation, I almost always feel the need for control. I, without consciously trying to, will take over and take control of a situation if I'm uncomfortable. Heck, I can look back and see that I tried to do it in our first session. I can also look back and see that our therapist very subtlely pointed that out, without calling me out on it. (Thanks for that, by the way.)  Trying to control each and every aspect of my life is probably at the root of a few of my mental disorders.  So, learning some other methods would do me a great deal of good here.
• Coping skills.  Yep, I can say it. I have ZERO coping skills. Basically, I do not cope with any of my emotions. I bottle them up, keep them inside, and let them rot me from within. Then, I self-destruct, gradually get better, and begin the process all over again. This cycle has been moving more rapidly in the past few years, and the self-destruct button has become touchier and more devastating. So, that's not good. I can definitely use some help in this area.
• Self-esteem/Self-worth.  Yeah, I don't have much of either of those. I'd rather see everyone else around me happy, than make someone unhappy so that I can be happy. And I'm not happy if someone else is unhappy. Therefore, I'm never happy. Does that mean I'm insatiable? I'm not sure. But it does mean that I have a warped sense of self-value. I need to be capable of being happy with myself and by myself, cause I never am. 
• I need to know who I am.  Not who I am to other people, but who I am at the core. I can ask people over and over again what they see/value in me, but I can't see what they see. My mom, Stacia, Robin, Shawna... They all know who I am better than I do. That's not right. It's hard to find focus on anything in life when I haven't the slightest clue who I am. And by what definition should I adhere? Am I the sum of my experiences? The sum of my perceptions? The sum of my perceived experiences? A jumbled, chemical mess? We could REALLY delve into all of the different schools of psychoanalytical thought to try and sort me out, but in the end, there would be at least 8 differing perspectives on exactly HOW I could even go about finding out who I am. Yeah, this could be a long, winding, convoluted process. But, it should be entertaining for the on-lookers.

I believe that if I work on the above issues, many of my problems would be resolved.  Who knows? I might not even require (or feel the need for) so many medications/interventions/etc.

Question 4: How can you make the most of this experience?
Well, for starters, I need to start listening more receptively.  Don't get me wrong, I am great at listening and sympathizing, but I have a problem applying what I hear to an affective, positive learning experience. A lot of times, I will internalize OTHER people's emotions and problems and allow them to add to the burdens I already carry...(*That reminds me of a story I just read for my comp and lit class... but that's another story for another time... although, it can be useful in this group)...Anyway, carrying other people's burdens isn't healthy. So, step one.. Learn to let go of other people's problems. Step two... Learn to let go of mine.  Secondly, I need to learn to recognize when I'm trying to dominate the group so that I feel more in control of the situation. This isn't good, either, and I may come off looking like I think I know more than the therapist, which I know I don't. After I learn those cues, I need to learn to stop myself so that I can (hopefully) go about being receptive without internalization.

Has anyone noticed that I use a lot of circular reasoning and Socratic methodology in my thought processes? Could this be part of the problem at the core? If so, we have a more serious project on our hands. Changing my way of THINKING will be super-de-dooper difficult, especially because I am extremely resistant to that idea.

Yeah... Going back on my word again.

Screw the consequences!

I'm burning that CD for Serena.

She obviously doesn't give to two shits out of a rat's ass how she affects people, so why should I care how I affect her?

I'm tired of it.
Tired of it all.
I thought sleeping on this would make me feel better.
Instead of waking in a better mood, I find my mood tweaked, altered slightly, but enough to focus it into one singular thought:

I'm pissed.

How dare you say that my behavior's unacceptable? So condescending, unnecessarily critical.

The tears are gone, replaced by rage. The guilt-ridden sorrow has been pushed out by angry indignation.

I'm not gonna cry

I'm not gonna cry

I'm not gonna shed no tears

I'm not gonna cry

This is not the time

'Cause you're not worth my tears.

You are supposed to be my big sister, supposed to be helping me.

I love you

I hate you

I can't get around you

I'm so done.

I just can't take anymore, this life of solitude

I guess that I'm out the door and that I'm done with you.

Dear Mom.

For whatever reason, you aren't super touchy-feely the way most women tend to be.  I'm sure if you wanted me to know those reasons, you'd have told me.  It doesn't matter to me.  I just had to add a little message on here after the previous post to let you know that you are my rock.  I know that no matter what I say, or how I feel, you love me, you support me, you understand, you don't jump to conclusions.  You are level-headed with a heart of gold.  There are so many ways I wouldn't be here if not for you.  You can never know.  I would not have made it this far if you weren't there to listen to me without judgement, to affirm my feelings and call me on the bullshit.  To let me know that what I'm feeling is ok, and normal, and sometimes shared by others involved.

I love you.

Knowing all the things above, and that you'd read this in the morning, kept me alive tonight.

So the final post wasn't so final...

Yeah, leave it to me to go back on my word.  Happens a lot... not as much as it used to.  I'm getting better.  Using my time now to get back into the writing mode so that I can do my assignments that are due in 12 minutes.  I've already contacted my professors.  They know my work will be a bit late.  One of them has acknowledged my email.  The other can't say I didn't tell her that my son was running a high fever yesterday (probably teething, Mom, don't freak), so I was otherwise disposed and unable to do my reading that would enable me to write a decent response to her discussion board topic.  If she doesn't grade it, oh well.  It's a discussion board.  There will be 15 more of them and I can use them to prove my worth as a reader, writer and contributer to her classroom.  I've been working on NOT being quite so focused on what people think of me.  Case in point: my sister.  I think she got the message.  She, and her unrealistic expectations, rules, procedures and hypocrisy can

Go
Fuck
Themselves!

If she wants to start a big hoopla over Christmas Eve this year... Bring it.  I'm ready.  I'm no longer the self-depricating, self-devaluing, apologetic-for-things-beyond-my-control person she used to push around.  NO LONGER will I jump blindly through her firy hoops because she doesn't know the meaning of the word "moderation".  I know her... all about her... my... no OUR father gave me ammo.  Not that I'm going to use it unless I have to, but I will should the need arise...

I know she's going to go crying to Dad, just like her bitch of a daughter did, about how I haven't called the kids, haven't talked to them, it's all MY fault that they are doing... whatever it is they are doing wrong....
Wah, wah, wah, wah...
She's going to say that I "obviously don't care about them".
BITCH!!!
If I didn't care about them I'd

• pop in and out of their lives like a rabbit in a hat.
• make sure that their legal guardian didn't have necessary information about them
• do my best to circumvent and undermine her as an authority figure in their lives
• call them weekly to talk for 15 minutes to give them hope of seeing me again soon when she and I both know that is not possible because she fucking lives in her goddamn car that her fucking step-daddy is paying for.
• insist on putting the children in so many activities that they don't have time to simply be children and learn what being in a family is really about.  Eating at the dinner table isn't the only damn activity that makes a family, bitch.
• do everything I can to make sure that the kids are so busy that they literally only have one hour out of the WEEK to talk on the phone, and that hour happens to coincide with dinner time.

Wait, that list contains some of the shit that SHE'S been pulling... All the while looking down her nose at me because I think that person to person contact between parent and child is more important than all the damn activities and gadgets in the world.  Note to Serena: Josh and Hannah have a better relationship with the fucking Wii than they do with you... Don't think I don't know this.  I also know your dictatorial style in running your household is no way to run a HOME... You don't live in a HOME, my dear, darling sister... You live in an imaginary castle, naming yourself as High Priestess and Queen of the dominion.  Why and how Eddie puts up with your shit, I'll never know... What I do know is that Eddie is the only positive aspect I see out of you having Josh and Hannah under your spell.   Yes... I just said that... spell.... You are brainwashing them just as you have with your other children.  Wonder why I don't talk to Allison or Danielle anymore?  Well, little Miss Ego-Centric, you probably don't, but I'm going to tell you anyway.  They do not fucking listen to anyone's opinion but yours.  Danielle accused me of "going out and partying" while I was fucking pregnant with my son.  Of course, she didn't know I was pregnant.  You didn't either, at the time.... Gee, I wonder where she got that idea from... Well, let's see.  She lives in your house... She worships your farts... If it looks like a bitch and talks like a bitch, you can bet she's parroting her mother.  Brain-washing at it's finest...
I honestly believe that MY children are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome... beginning to bond with their oppressor.  Of course, they don't see you as an oppressor, not yet anyway.  Let's hope that someday, down the road, when they are old enough to seek me out and bitch me out for not being there (yes, I know, there will be a bitching out), they will have retained some of the things that I fucking taught them... Yes, I did teach them things.  I taught them to listen to me.  Be respectful to others (didn't Josh beat Trisha up for no reason? Oh, he's beating on Hannah, too, not that you'd notice, but I digress.  You'll probably blame that on me, too, when you figure it out).  Hopefully, they will listen to my side of the story, accept my apologies for the wrongs I did to them, then... with a little luck...

Move the fuck on and build a trusting, meaningful relationship with me.  Yes, build.  I know it will take time, patience and a lot of heartache to build a relationship with them after all of the things that they are likely hearing about me from you, your friends, your children, everyone else you expose them to, because you don't know how to keep your mouth fucking closed.