To the one who can't read this.

I created this blog for you. Actually, I created it so I could feel free to express my thoughts without the fear of your constant criticism that looms with my myspace blog. I am growing leery of posting "preferred list" blogs so that your daughters can ask me why they can't read them. The number of people who can read this new one, I can count on one hand.

I called you last night. 6:15 pm. Same as last week. The only time during your week that it is convenient for YOU for me to maintain contact with my children. You didn't answer. You didn't call back. Now, my kids think I'm unreliable. Can't be trusted. They are becoming further and further detached from me. You didn't answer your phone, yet this will... as always... be morphed into my fault. I'm sure you'll either call me back today, or I'll call you, and you'll give me some bullshit explanation as to why this happened. The number I dialed is your cell-phone. It's always attached to your hip. Where's the excuse? "Oh, we were outside and the phone was inside," you'll probably say. I've heard that one before, as this isn't the first time this has happened. It was 50 degrees and windy outside and normally, you're eating dinner when I call. Next...?

When I hang up the phone, Terry looks at our baby and says, "I think Mommy's mad." I told him that surprisingly, no. I wasn't mad. The sad fact is that I have come to expect these things from you. A year ago, I got mad about it. Now, I'm nothing more or less than jaded by it. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to do things your way just so you can change the rules without telling me.

Funny, what got me into this mess was being removed and detached from my children's lives. Now, it seems that you are doing everything in your power to see that the chasm between us deepens. I always tell people, when I'm discussing my situation with you, that I have no issue with how you are doing by my children. That, however, is not entirely accurate. My kids deserve to have all the information necessary to make their own decisions about me. You are not letting that happen. They deserve me to have all the information necessary to make preparations for them. You are not letting that happen. I don't have much else to say regarding this, other than I'm getting close to giving up. No one can play the games you design, because you are always playing by your own rules, rules that are separate and unequal to the rules you design for the rest of the players.

Going to the doctor today..

Yes, for myself. Amazing as that may seem. I'm actually going to go get my post-partum checkup. Of course, my motives aren't just to get checked up... I'm having issues. My back is sore and stiff at the epidural sight. At more than a month later, I think this is worth mentioning. Because my son hasn't set himself to a schedule yet, I'm having a very difficult time setting a pumping schedule for myself. To put it bluntly, my milk ducts are getting confused and I have a feeling that in a few more days, they may go on strike in protest. Junior's tummy doesn't like formula very much, so that makes this just that much more important. So, that is worth mentioning, too. I know there are a few medications out there that can help get my supply back on track. Hopefully, Dr. K can help me with that. I've tried everything else, with some improvement. I'm just not satisfied with the improvement I've seen, and I seem to be back-tracking again. It is my hope that Junior may be able to breastfeed after his first surgery. So, I have a month and a half of pumping to go. Either way, he needs the breastmilk. The medical studies support the fact that it is indeed healthier for both mom and baby.

So, Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's off to the doc's I go.

Parents are people, too

So, last weekend I went to visit my parents. It seems like the older I get, the more I come to view them as human beings. Five years ago, it would never had occurred to me to ask my mother for an opinion. Not that I didn't think her opinion mattered, but I really just didn't believe she had opinions at all. Now, I ask for her opinion on everything. I bet it's getting annoying. Hey, I'm making up for lost time here.

Here's the flip-side. They are starting to see me as a person, too. (I know, Mom, you'll say that you've always viewed me as an individual.) Yet, now it seems that my parents are regarding me as somewhat of a peer, instead of a subordinate. I had to remind my father that I'm still his child. I'm sorry, but there are only two people on this planet with whom I would rather not discuss Viagra or nipple stimulation. Mom, Dad, I love you. I think it's a wonderful thing that after 30 years you two are still so much in love with each other that you have the desire to express it physically. Truly, I am thankful that you have that relationship with each other. It is a rarity in this day and age. However, I really don't need or want to know the specifics.