Final Post

So, I have to close this blog and start a new one. I was using it to protect my (ex) fiance from all the madness that goes on in my head. Well, he lost his shit and I was forced to show it to him so he could see what an ass he was being. He now knows all the of the deepest, darkest thoughts that have gone through my head. I was trying to spare him all that nastiness, because he wouldn't have the first clue on how to deal with it. No, he had to go and be an ass.... Make me show my true colors...

But that leads to another question.... Why in the hell should I have to wear a mask around the person who is supposed to be closer to me than anyone else? The answer: I shouldn't. I should be able to be completely and totally me. Honest... Open... Direct... Crazy (as it comes). Is it fair to either one of us for me to continue on in a relationship where I am constantly hiding my inner self from him? No, it's not.

So, I still have a decision to make. One that will affect the rest of my life and possibly my credibility with certain key family members. Before I make that call, I have to talk to Mom, which I'm doing tomorrow. Then, I have to deliberate.

For now, I'm living in a house with a man I am separated from. My schoolwork is not getting done because of all this mess... I'm going to have to request an extension... again. Oh, well... It WILL get done this time around. I'm not going to lose my dream over some guy. I did that once with Rodney and again with Chris. Not doing it again. I will persist... I will carry on.... I will move on... I will eventually find that one person who gets me completely and accepts me that way. Whether or not that is Terry still remains to be seen, but it does not look very promising.

Roller Coasters and Lyrics

I woke up this morning cranky as hell. I got my coffee and settled down to the computer. Didn't do much on the computer... Mainly listened to music and chatted a little bit. The person I was chatting with went to lunch, so I got up to do dishes. I cranked the music. Suddenly, I found myself dancing. I was in a great mood! When does that happen, lately? Junior wanted nothing more than to play today, so I played with him... and danced... and washed bottles... and all was right with the world for about an hour. Then....

Junior's therapist gets here, and I find myself unburdening my soul about everything... well, almost everything.... I told her about how I'm crazy and that I need help... She gave some advice... suggested some ways for me to get some help (with which I plan to follow through).... And, I ended up buried deep into my funk again.... And I cranked the music.... different music this time...

Then, Terry gets home, and everything is ok.... for a moment... a vapor of smoke in time when he and I were like we used to be... happy, loving, playful, attentive.... and then he leaves, to go coach soccer with a guy from his work... and I crank the music again.... Justin Nozuka this time. Mellow... Slow... Sad... Sappy.... Wise.....

If music is the language of the heart and soul, then my soul is bipolar and my heart is schizophrenic. I sit back and reflect on what I listened to today, and what it says about my moods.... I'm on a roller coaster of emotions that is raging out of control.... the highs are exhilarating.... the lows drop a pit into my stomach.... side to side, up and down, round and round, upside down and back again... in a battle with myself.

I'm losing.

Let it fade....

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty?
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

Jeremy Camp is a genius. This song always helps me put things in perspective. Through everything that is going on in my mind.... Peace... Everlasting peace in God. And I know I'll make it through... Just have to keep walking...

Clarity and Confusion

Things that are clear to me:

I love Junior.
In fact, I love all my kids.
I want to be closer to them.
I want to be closer to my parents.
I want to finish school.
I need to go back to work.
I need these meds to start working.
I need to not be feeling so down all the time so I can be a productive member of my household, family, community, society.

Things that I'm confused about:

Do I feel obligated to Terry, or do I want to be with him?
Is what I'm feeling a result of my constant need for understanding?
Do I sell him short?
Is this just a phase?
Is it caused by the depression?
Is the grass truly greener?
If so, is it just because the grass is growing over a septic tank?
Do I have time to figure all this out?
Will I ever figure all this out?
Do I want to figure all this out, or am I afraid of what I'll find out?
Will I be able to take the appropriate action, or will I settle?
Will it be settling?
Am I satisfied with being with someone who seriously needs a "mommy"?
Is that really what he needs, or am I just over exaggerating?
Is it possible to work out the kinks with someone who has a self-confessed, and perhaps self-afflicted, problem with communication?

Again, more questions than answers.