Confusion...

Every time I get happy in a relationship, something happens. I don't know if it's fate, the devil or a test. Either way, this is what happens: I'm going along in my relationship, being relatively content with it. No relationship is perfect, and I understand that... so I say relatively. Then, an innocuous person enters or re-enters my life, and I find myself questioning the entire state of my relationship. In the past, it was Chris entering my life when I was dating Mike... Then, Chuck when I was married to Chris... Keith and Jon when I was with Chuck... Each time, it was a "grass is always greener" scenario. They all told me the same things... I'll be nicer, cleaner, work harder, give it to you better, take care of you... on and on... I was able to resist Keith and Jon, and in hindsight, I made the right decision. Keith was a loser and Jon would never have committed to me. Chris ended up being my husband, and I ended up leaving him for Chuck. The jury is still out on which of those was a worse decision, and the verdict may never be known. All I know for sure is that for the first time, I was truly single when Terry and I got together. No extra baggage. No drama. Just him and me. We worked through most of our differences, mutually decided to have a baby (which I was pressured to do by Chuck, and forbidden to do by Chris). Now, I have this beautiful baby boy. I have a fiance who my sister is slowly letting me work into my children's lives.

So, what happened, you ask? What else? Someone has re-entered my life that has made me question my entire relationship. He didn't do it intentionally, at least, not that I know of. And a million things start going through my mind. But, this time, it's different. This time, I'm not looking back at all the times he accused me of cheating (cause he hasn't). I'm not thinking about how he's so lazy that he can't keep a job (cause he does). I'm not seething in anger at the thought of how he can't even take out the trash (he does that, too). Another thing is different this time, too. The person in question isn't handing me all those cliches. Quite simply, he says he loves me. I'm not entirely sure that's accurate, but still... No requisites, no demands, no posturing, no mud-slinging. WTH? And, for once, I'm evaluating my relationship, and I can't find a single serious fault with it. But, I'm still questioning it. Why? Is it because it's my m.o.? My history does show that I jump around. Rodney, a year and a half of hell. Chris, three years of being unwanted. Chuck, 5 years of being used and accused. And Terry, almost 3 years of... relative happiness. Wait a minute here... I'm happy? I mean other than the serious episode of depression I have going on right now... am I happy? I think I am, but I'm not sure. Why am I not sure? Back to the depression... I think I'm going to have to wait this one out until the Zoloft takes full effect... But, I think it's possible... I'm actually happy. I'll have to revisit this in another month... Everything is different this time around, and a lot is resting on this decision.

In and out

Why is it so hard for people to understand me when I say "I'm in a funk"? Going back and forth between being happy and sad, angry and depressed, panicky and calm. Why do I get this way? How do I stop it? I have no clue, and neither does anyone else. So, those with advanced degrees tell me to take a pill, or two, or ten. Those who can sympathize are really not in a much better position. Some of their advice is great... Still, I feel like no one on this planet has ever been in my same situation. And, that's true. There's only one me... only one person who has lived life in the exact way that I have... only one who has put themselves in the postion I'm in... just me. I am alone. I'm thankful for that in the way that you'd be happy that no one else has gone through the hardships you have. Yes, I know that there are those out there who've had worse things brought upon them. That doesn't help me, though. And, while I'm happy for them, I also resent the people who live their lives without knowing the things I know first hand. If they knew my story, they would shake their heads with pity and promptly forget about me. Or they would tell me it's my fault and that it's up to me to fix it. Well, damnit... sure, a HUGE part of my situation is my doing... but other people had some supporting roles. Now, I am doing everything I can to dig myself back out of this hole... But, it's hard when I have ZERO motivation. I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to eat... All I want to do is sleep and play with my little boy... the one person who can put a fleeting genuine smile on my face right now. Some would call what I have a "hormonal imbalance". My ex-husband called it PMDD, the cheuvanist bastard. Chuck would have said, "You're unhappy with me. You're cheating on me." etc., etc.... trying to turn it around to be a pity party for HIM. And Rodney, well, I spent our entire relationship in this state and he didn't even notice. Terry, well I'm hiding much of this from him, but he wouldn't know what to do with me if he knew. Truth be told, I've been prone to depression since my early teens. My parents thought I was a sullen, rebellious teenager... which I was... but it went deeper than that. The counselor I saw when I was 16 even failed to notice it, which is sad and also one of the reasons why I want to be a therapist now. I just keep waiting... and waiting... for these meds to kick in. I've had a few small moments of genuine content since I started on the Zoloft... supplemented by lorazepam, complements of Stacia. Yes, yes, I know it's wrong to take someone else's meds... but I have no insurance, nor money. Until I have either one or the other, I'm going to have to make do. Then, I'll go to the mental health place here in town and get on something... anything... other than effexor.... to snap me out of this. I have tried to do it by myself.... I have tried meds.... I have tried talking to people who know how I feel... Nothing is working for any lasting period of time. I'm not sure what to do now... what steps to take... who to talk to... I know that there are a few people I enjoy talking to, who help me, at least temporarily, forget what my mind is thinking. Perhaps it's because they are in worse places than I.... I don't know. I still don't know... That's my recurrent theme now. I WANT to feel better... Honestly and Truly, I DO. I just don't know how to get there... and I have come to the realization that I cannot do it alone.