Support, and not the push-up kind.

Most of you know that I've been having some issues as of late. I've sought out help. I'm trying to get things back in order. I've been relying heavily on my parents for emotional support during this process. It's just been in the past 4 years that there has been a decent working relationship between us, and I've never been happier about it....

Until a few days ago....

I wrote my mother an email outlining my various diagnoses to her. Her response was a polar opposite of what I expected.

.... Cold
.... Callous
.... Distant
.... Short

I feel like we're back-peddling now. I feel like a teenager again, like we've reverted back to the same emotionally distant relationship we had back then. Maybe she doesn't know what to say. Maybe she's numb to the idea of her (eldest) daughter having such horrible problems. Maybe she feels responsible for some of it. Or maybe, just maybe, she's preparing for history to repeat itself... Waiting for that phone call that says someone needs to intervene in my life YET AGAIN on behalf of my child. So, before I go on, I need to make one thing perfectly clear....

My son is literally the only reason why I am still on this planet enduring my demons! I would never do anything to endanger him. If I felt like I was a danger to him, or I wasn't meeting his needs, I would call Terry home immediately. Junior IS my reason for being right now.

Now that I've got that out of the way, back to my point...

What did I expect from my mom? I expected concern, worry, support, encouragement, all the things mothers are supposed to do for their children, adult or otherwise. She and I have conversed on the topic of emotional control. Emotional control and lack of emotional display are two completely different things. Emotional control keeps you from flying off the handle about the shirts not being folded "correctly". Emotional display is how people SHOW each other that they give a damn. You can express worry and concern without being melodramatic. I think my mother may have gotten these two confused. In an effort to not stress me out further, she displayed a non-reaction. If that's the case, then we're cool. If not, then what gives?

At a time in my life when communication is THE key to my surviving and thriving as an individual, mother, employee, spouse, daughter, sister, friend... it is really a shock to my world when the person in whom I have confided the most within my family unit displays no outward emotional reaction to some pretty jarring news. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe this is my "people pleaser" personality type coming through. Either way, I feel especially let down.

So, here's the props section...

Props to Stacia! I am now certain that everything happens for a reason. I am beginning a journey that is strikingly similar to one she started several years ago. She is my mentor and my best friend. She listens when I bitch about inane things, supports me in my decisions--even the unpopular ones, offers a helping hand, a shoulder, an ear, and just about anything else in her power to provide to me. I don't know where I'd be without her today. I know I'd feel totally and utterly alone. Thank you, girl, from the bottom of my heart. IDK wtf is up with some of the other people in your life, but I intend to never do you like they do.... (Oh, and say hi to grandma for me. Tell her Junior is doing well. I hope we can come and visit her again soon.)

Props to Terry! Sweetie, I love you. You have proven yourself to be a generous, sympathetic, loving life partner. Your stick-to-it-iveness is unlike any I've experienced in my past relationships. I've never been more certain that you are a keeper. Never mind what others have said or what they think. You are here with me now, and I've never been more grateful.

Props to ME! Instead of wallowing, I'm being proactive. I'm using my skills as a language artist and a writer as an outlet for all these negative vibes I've been getting. I'm seeking out treatment without the aid of outside intervention. I'm fighting back in a positive way.

Props to Susie and Louise! You opened my eyes to the fact that I do have a measure of control over this. Yes, it will be a gradual process, but I now have faith that I do not HAVE to be on medication for the rest of my life. Thanks for opening up to me, sharing your stories, and showing me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can see the path before me more clearly now, as well as a possible future for myself.

You guys are all great... Thanks for stepping up when I needed it.

Back to work and other fun stuff.

Okay, I was going to write a letter to my coworkers about this, but I decided it would be less confrontational to just blog about it. Plus, the people reading this would think it's funny to see how my OCD truly affects me. So, here goes....

So the restaurant I work in has 46 tables. Each of these tables has one salt shaker, one pepper shaker, and one sugar caddy. This is pretty much common sense, but I'm building up to a point here, so go with me.... Anyway, that is a total of 46 of each of the above mentioned items, right? Well, I'm working the graveyard shift, so I keep all my tables in one little section. The restaurant has 4 main sections, which can be divided more as needed. So, I know and expect the table toppers to be emptied in my section a little throughout my shift. However, what I don't expect (nor should I have to) is that I would have to go through each and every table in the store to make sure that everything is done. The servers on the prior shift should clean their tables and restock anything that needs it.... Right? Apparently, they think I have nothing better to do than to do their job for them. Do they not realize that I don't get paid any more than they? Doesn't seem to matter. I guess they just think that I will have plenty of time to clean up after ALL of them. Or they think I'm their damn mother. Either way, here is the grand total for what I had to do last night (not including the incomplete stocking, etc. for the rest of the store)...

• 22 pepper shakers needed filling
• 20 salts
• 26 sugar caddies

Ummm... I probably used and reused 6 tables during the course of my shift.... So, can someone explain to me why I had to stock nearly half the restaurant's tables? One entire section needed the sugar caddies completely emptied and reorganized.... WTF people? As I explained to my relief this morning, I know that I'm not the only person who does their job correctly up there, but when I have massive amounts of cleaning and stocking like that... It feels like I am the only one.... I'm just bitching about the table toppers because those take the longest to stock when they are neglected like that. I'm not even including the floors (which were atrocious in some areas), the dirty tables, the dirty coffee pots, the silverware left unrolled, the poorly stocked main service area, the ice left unstocked, the tea left unmade, the back soda station that clearly hadn't been cleaned and organized, the drains that hadn't been cleaned out, etc., etc. This on top of MY duties makes for a very frustrating night. Here's the thing. My OCD dictates that everything be organized and uniform. So, the three nights I've worked since I started back have consisted of doing anywhere from 3-5 people's work over again ON TOP of my own work. That's B.S. to the Nth degree.

Anyway, I show the manager... my buddy Peggy... all the work left for me to do... Have a bitch session about it... and decide that my work ethic and moral compass are above passing the buck to the next shift out of revenge/dignity/whathaveyou. I resign myself to the fact that the people who work before me know this about me and take advantage of it. My therapist says I'm a "people pleaser" and now I see why. I don't want to rock the boat. I'll bitch and cry about how unfair something is, all the while putting up with it and cleaning up after people so that THEY don't get in trouble. Do I need to grow a pair? Because I know that the GM won't do anything about it. Neither will the other manager... the pedophile formerly known as Gono (yes, pedophile... he knocked up a 14 year old girl). Peggy is so frustrated by all of the office politics going on up there that she is seeking other employment. Naturally, she has other work to do, so she can't help me. She does, however, let me know how much my work is appreciated in light of all the recent IHOP drama that has ensued. This, in itself, makes me feel like my work is worth it.

***Deep breath***

~~~Cleansing sigh~~~

That being said, I have to admit that I really enjoy working the graveyard shift. There is no drama between the workers. It's a very laid-back, reduced-stress waitressing environment. If I can just get a grip on the new sleeping schedule, I'll be straight.