So the final post wasn't so final...

Yeah, leave it to me to go back on my word.  Happens a lot... not as much as it used to.  I'm getting better.  Using my time now to get back into the writing mode so that I can do my assignments that are due in 12 minutes.  I've already contacted my professors.  They know my work will be a bit late.  One of them has acknowledged my email.  The other can't say I didn't tell her that my son was running a high fever yesterday (probably teething, Mom, don't freak), so I was otherwise disposed and unable to do my reading that would enable me to write a decent response to her discussion board topic.  If she doesn't grade it, oh well.  It's a discussion board.  There will be 15 more of them and I can use them to prove my worth as a reader, writer and contributer to her classroom.  I've been working on NOT being quite so focused on what people think of me.  Case in point: my sister.  I think she got the message.  She, and her unrealistic expectations, rules, procedures and hypocrisy can

Go
Fuck
Themselves!

If she wants to start a big hoopla over Christmas Eve this year... Bring it.  I'm ready.  I'm no longer the self-depricating, self-devaluing, apologetic-for-things-beyond-my-control person she used to push around.  NO LONGER will I jump blindly through her firy hoops because she doesn't know the meaning of the word "moderation".  I know her... all about her... my... no OUR father gave me ammo.  Not that I'm going to use it unless I have to, but I will should the need arise...

I know she's going to go crying to Dad, just like her bitch of a daughter did, about how I haven't called the kids, haven't talked to them, it's all MY fault that they are doing... whatever it is they are doing wrong....
Wah, wah, wah, wah...
She's going to say that I "obviously don't care about them".
BITCH!!!
If I didn't care about them I'd

• pop in and out of their lives like a rabbit in a hat.
• make sure that their legal guardian didn't have necessary information about them
• do my best to circumvent and undermine her as an authority figure in their lives
• call them weekly to talk for 15 minutes to give them hope of seeing me again soon when she and I both know that is not possible because she fucking lives in her goddamn car that her fucking step-daddy is paying for.
• insist on putting the children in so many activities that they don't have time to simply be children and learn what being in a family is really about.  Eating at the dinner table isn't the only damn activity that makes a family, bitch.
• do everything I can to make sure that the kids are so busy that they literally only have one hour out of the WEEK to talk on the phone, and that hour happens to coincide with dinner time.

Wait, that list contains some of the shit that SHE'S been pulling... All the while looking down her nose at me because I think that person to person contact between parent and child is more important than all the damn activities and gadgets in the world.  Note to Serena: Josh and Hannah have a better relationship with the fucking Wii than they do with you... Don't think I don't know this.  I also know your dictatorial style in running your household is no way to run a HOME... You don't live in a HOME, my dear, darling sister... You live in an imaginary castle, naming yourself as High Priestess and Queen of the dominion.  Why and how Eddie puts up with your shit, I'll never know... What I do know is that Eddie is the only positive aspect I see out of you having Josh and Hannah under your spell.   Yes... I just said that... spell.... You are brainwashing them just as you have with your other children.  Wonder why I don't talk to Allison or Danielle anymore?  Well, little Miss Ego-Centric, you probably don't, but I'm going to tell you anyway.  They do not fucking listen to anyone's opinion but yours.  Danielle accused me of "going out and partying" while I was fucking pregnant with my son.  Of course, she didn't know I was pregnant.  You didn't either, at the time.... Gee, I wonder where she got that idea from... Well, let's see.  She lives in your house... She worships your farts... If it looks like a bitch and talks like a bitch, you can bet she's parroting her mother.  Brain-washing at it's finest...
I honestly believe that MY children are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome... beginning to bond with their oppressor.  Of course, they don't see you as an oppressor, not yet anyway.  Let's hope that someday, down the road, when they are old enough to seek me out and bitch me out for not being there (yes, I know, there will be a bitching out), they will have retained some of the things that I fucking taught them... Yes, I did teach them things.  I taught them to listen to me.  Be respectful to others (didn't Josh beat Trisha up for no reason? Oh, he's beating on Hannah, too, not that you'd notice, but I digress.  You'll probably blame that on me, too, when you figure it out).  Hopefully, they will listen to my side of the story, accept my apologies for the wrongs I did to them, then... with a little luck...

Move the fuck on and build a trusting, meaningful relationship with me.  Yes, build.  I know it will take time, patience and a lot of heartache to build a relationship with them after all of the things that they are likely hearing about me from you, your friends, your children, everyone else you expose them to, because you don't know how to keep your mouth fucking closed.

Dear Mom,

I know these are automatically emailed to you.  I am SOOO sorry for the language... The anger built up in me again... I had to let it out.  It was either this, or drive down there and kill her in her sleep.  As much as I try to brush all this mess off and focus on my lil family unit up here, I just can't completely let go of it.  They are MY children.  I DO love them.  I HATE not talking to them.  I'm just tired of being a pawn in her chess set.  Tired of it all.  I HATE being manipulated, which is what she tries to do to everyone around her, especially me, because she knows exactly what strings to tug and buttons to push.  I'm over it.  So effing over it.  I'm still grieving over the loss of Braedon.  I lost Josh and Hannah at the same time.  Why is she like this?  Why does she do this to people?  Why does she think she can treat me however she wants with no consequence?  Why didn't I just take the kids back and let them go into foster care?  I would have qualified for assistance, gotten said assistance, and had my kids back two years ago if I had.  Everyone up here, Child Welfare included, has exonerated me in regards to this issue.  Why won't she let it go and move on?
Why?
Why?
Why?
I can't take her crap anymore.
I just can't effin take it.
I refuse to be abused and manipulated so that she can look nice and saintly.
What am I supposed to do?
What can I do?
Why are the tears running down my face right now?
See?
She still effin gets to me, even when I won't talk about her or speak to her.
Why?
How does this little, two-bit, two-faced bitch manage to fool everyone around her (present company excepted)?
I don't get it.
I never will.
I hate her.
I never want to see her again outside of a courtroom.
She has done her best to destroy me completely.
She almost succeeded.
She still defeats me.
I came on here to do a bit of free writing before I did my assignments, and there she is again.  All over the page and all over my mind.  She's there.  She's always there.  Always looking down at me.  Pointing her finger.  Shaking her head in disapproval.  Always.  I'm afraid for her to even see pictures of Junior.  I'm even more afraid of telling her his conditions, progress, and so on.
I haven't talked to her in 6 months and she still rules my effin life.
How do I get this to stop?
It has to stop.
It's interfering in everything positive that I try to do.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm at the breaking point again.
I want to kill her.
Seriously, I really wouldn't care if she disappeared.
I know that if she did, I would be looked at, and Josh and Hannah would stay with Eddie.
I don't even care about that, I just want her gone and out of my life.
For good.
None of this shared custody crap.
She didn't do anything to share them with me.
Hell, no.
She followed my ass up the stairs when Hannah wanted me to see her room.
And back down.
And up again for Josh.
And back down.
What does she think I'm going to do, seriously?
What am I going to do?

And here I am again.  Can't focus on anything because of her. Because I need to take a pill and chill. And my work will be later than I planned it to be.  I can't keep doing this to myself.  Mom, help me stop this.
This self-destructive internalizing of things beyond my control.
This self-loathing that is undeserved in the eyes of almost everyone else.
This desire to cease to exist because of the pain I cause people.
I know I'm causing you pain right now.
And Josh.
And Hannah.
And Dad.
Everyone.
I've let everyone down.
This is truly how this situation with Serena makes me feel.
Every time I think about what she has said to me, I get this way.
And it's a cycle.  I think of Junior, then Braedon, then Josh, then Hannah, then.... Serena... and it starts all over again.
And every time it starts, I hate myself.
I hate her.
And I wish that I'd never imprinted my existence upon Josh or Hannah, because it would be easier for them if I hadn't.