Why am I here?

Week one of group therapy and I already have homework.  WTF?  She knows I'm in school... Anyway, my first assignment is as follows...

 

"This group is designed to support you through a process of change.  Positive change is possible, but making change happen is your responsibility and takes your motivation, commitment and hard work.

 

"Your open and honest responses here and your willingness to do the work of change will provide a pathway to you to carry out lasting positive change that improves the quality of your life.

 

"We need to help you explore your purpose and expectations about being here.  Why are you here?  How do you feel about being here?  What do you need to work on to improve your life experience?  How can you make the most of this experience?"

 

The rest of the page gives me 8 measley little lines to write out my answers to those questions.  Are they serious?  I can write 8 pages on any ONE of those questions.  I told them that I was going to type this up.  Free writing is probably the best way to go about this, so here I go...

 

Question 1: Why are you here?  (The "you" being me, and the "here" being the group therapy)
Well, the most obvious answer that comes to my mind for this question is "Because you are making me do this" (the "you" being my therapist).  However, that isn't really true.  She isn't "making" me do anything.  I'm perfectly free to abstain from these bi-monthly sessions.  She, in turn, would be perfectly free to terminate the services I'm receiving there.  So, that would normally lead me to a revised answer "You are coercing me into these sessions so I can continue to receive the medications that are keeping me relatively sane"... but... that's not really true, either.  She is trying to, and I believe genuinely wants to, help me.  SHE isn't coercing me, the "powers that be" are by changing the qualifying guidelines that SHE must adhere to.  Still, I do feel somewhat coerced, but that still doesn't answer the question.... Effin A... What am I trying to get at here?  I could give a cliched answer "So I can get better through the support of others and a higher power"... Yeah, I can't even think that sentance with a straight face it's so played out and tired... (Hi, my name is Crystal, and I'm an alcoholic).  So, why am I going to group therapy?  Honestly?  Cause I do have other resources by which I can obtain my meds legally, albeit more expensively.  Well, firstly, I like Rebecca.  Even though I've had my misgivings, I trust her.  I trust her judgement.  I trust her to not sugar coat things.  I trust her to tell me the things that I don't want to hear, but need to anyway.  I trust her to offer me a tissue when I (inevitably) start crying out of nowhere (which is something I only do when I blog, or when I'm in her office).  So, when she tells me that this will help me in the long run, I'm willing to put up with a few awkward and uncomfortable experiences/feelings/interactions to give it a shot.  That is why I'm here.

Question 2: How do you feel about being here? (again, the "you" being me and the "here" being the therapy)
Well, that's a loaded question, and I kind of answered it in the previous question.  I feel somewhat coerced by an unnamed institution headed by a faceless panel of people.  Consequently, I'm a little resentful, though not towards anyone who is participating in the group.  So far, I seem to have things in common with the rest of the participants, and that's good.  So, that makes me feel a little less singled-out and a little more at ease.  Having an anxiety disorder, I tend to be ill-at-ease a large percentage of the time, especially when I feel forced into a situation.  On a related note, I am pretty nervous. I don't know if I'm ready to change, because I feel like if I change, I won't be myself anymore. I don't want to be molded into an entirely different person.

Question 3: What do you need to work on to improve your life experience?
Well, if there was ever a time for using a bulleted list, this is it...

• Letting go.  I've heard it said over and over, "Let go, and let God."  Yeah, can someone please explain to me exactly HOW to do that?  I understand the concept behind it, but I just can't seem to put it into practice. (**Sidenote: Those who can't DO, teach. I don't want to be a teacher. I want to be a doer.)
• Related to the first is control. When I'm uncomfortable in a situation, I almost always feel the need for control. I, without consciously trying to, will take over and take control of a situation if I'm uncomfortable. Heck, I can look back and see that I tried to do it in our first session. I can also look back and see that our therapist very subtlely pointed that out, without calling me out on it. (Thanks for that, by the way.)  Trying to control each and every aspect of my life is probably at the root of a few of my mental disorders.  So, learning some other methods would do me a great deal of good here.
• Coping skills.  Yep, I can say it. I have ZERO coping skills. Basically, I do not cope with any of my emotions. I bottle them up, keep them inside, and let them rot me from within. Then, I self-destruct, gradually get better, and begin the process all over again. This cycle has been moving more rapidly in the past few years, and the self-destruct button has become touchier and more devastating. So, that's not good. I can definitely use some help in this area.
• Self-esteem/Self-worth.  Yeah, I don't have much of either of those. I'd rather see everyone else around me happy, than make someone unhappy so that I can be happy. And I'm not happy if someone else is unhappy. Therefore, I'm never happy. Does that mean I'm insatiable? I'm not sure. But it does mean that I have a warped sense of self-value. I need to be capable of being happy with myself and by myself, cause I never am. 
• I need to know who I am.  Not who I am to other people, but who I am at the core. I can ask people over and over again what they see/value in me, but I can't see what they see. My mom, Stacia, Robin, Shawna... They all know who I am better than I do. That's not right. It's hard to find focus on anything in life when I haven't the slightest clue who I am. And by what definition should I adhere? Am I the sum of my experiences? The sum of my perceptions? The sum of my perceived experiences? A jumbled, chemical mess? We could REALLY delve into all of the different schools of psychoanalytical thought to try and sort me out, but in the end, there would be at least 8 differing perspectives on exactly HOW I could even go about finding out who I am. Yeah, this could be a long, winding, convoluted process. But, it should be entertaining for the on-lookers.

I believe that if I work on the above issues, many of my problems would be resolved.  Who knows? I might not even require (or feel the need for) so many medications/interventions/etc.

Question 4: How can you make the most of this experience?
Well, for starters, I need to start listening more receptively.  Don't get me wrong, I am great at listening and sympathizing, but I have a problem applying what I hear to an affective, positive learning experience. A lot of times, I will internalize OTHER people's emotions and problems and allow them to add to the burdens I already carry...(*That reminds me of a story I just read for my comp and lit class... but that's another story for another time... although, it can be useful in this group)...Anyway, carrying other people's burdens isn't healthy. So, step one.. Learn to let go of other people's problems. Step two... Learn to let go of mine.  Secondly, I need to learn to recognize when I'm trying to dominate the group so that I feel more in control of the situation. This isn't good, either, and I may come off looking like I think I know more than the therapist, which I know I don't. After I learn those cues, I need to learn to stop myself so that I can (hopefully) go about being receptive without internalization.

Has anyone noticed that I use a lot of circular reasoning and Socratic methodology in my thought processes? Could this be part of the problem at the core? If so, we have a more serious project on our hands. Changing my way of THINKING will be super-de-dooper difficult, especially because I am extremely resistant to that idea.